This article refers back to yesterday’s feature on how to avoid purchasing demonically possessed items whilst garage sailing. If you have already purchased a possessed item and have fallen prey to a demon or demons, this article contains some helpful tips on how to identify the type of demon, and how to rid yourself of the evil that has taken up residence in your home or person.
Each type of demon requires a specific banishment or exorcism method. Identifying your demon can be difficult but it is a necessary part of the exorcism process. Listed below are the three most common types of demons and some basic methods of purging yourself and your family of the evil scourge.
1. Fiendishly Fast: Do you suddenly find yourself driving really fast? Has everywhere you go become a race against the clock and other drivers on the road? Do you find yourself recklessly plowing your shopping cart through throngs of aimless shoppers at the grocery store? If so, you may have contracted a Speed Demon. The Speed Demon is the most common of all demons. Approximately 25% of the population is infected with this specific demon at some point in their lives, with occurrences happening typically between the ages of 16 and 35.
Unfortunately, for most people, once you have a speed demon, it is near impossible to get rid of and one must simply try to live with it. Do not let your Speed Demon run rampant. Speeding tickets can add up and when you eventually lose your license you’ll be forced to solicit rides from your friends and family which is no fun at all. Try indulging the demon periodically by jumping out of planes or with extreme sports. Giving your demon what it wants on occasion is the only way to calm it. The Demon will likely mellow with age and you can subdue it with the mid-life crisis ritual, a large part of which involves purchasing a corvette or motorcycle.
2. Hellishly Homesick: Have you noticed a recent yellowish or brown tinge to your previously pearly white teeth? Have you developed uncontrollable cravings for tea and crumpets? Do you regularly find your TV tuned to reruns of Coronation Street or Mrs. Brown’s Boys? These symptoms may indicate the presence of a Daemon. The Daemon is the British cousin of the North American Demon and is unfortunately, nearly impossible to expel from your home or person. The Daemon’s goal is to invade your body or homestead and to use as much force as is necessary to turn it into a near exact replica of its homeland across the sea. You may wonder why, if the Daemon loves its original home so much, it doesn’t just stay over there. Regrettably, we have no answer to this question.
Once a Daemon has taken up residence in your home or body, you have two choices: Assimilate to the Daemon’s expectations, or swiftly and liberally apply the Daemon’s one weakness: poor manners. Forget your P’s and Q’s and learn some F’s and U’s. Swear loudly and often, drink everything from the carton, play loud American TV programming and just be a general boor, the Daemon will be so mortified at your wretched behavior it will depart post haste – along with most of your social life.
3. Satanically Seductive: Is your love life in overdrive lately? Are you and/or your partner having long bouts of extremely satisfying and energetic love making? Do you find yourself feeling at peace with the world and generally calm in your daily life? If so, you may have acquired a Demon in the Sheets.
This type of demon is easily cast out via long periods of not showering and intermittent nagging but why ever would you want to!? Enjoy yourself!
These are the three most common types of demons and the easiest methods of exorcism. For more information on identifying and exorcising Satan’s minions please contact your local clergy.